family, Life, Maybehedoesnthityou, religion, speaking up, Women

What happens when women speak up.

What happens when women speak up, speak up about abuse and control, start afresh, move on, create a happy life for themselves and their children?

I will tell you what happens. The abusive partner fears losing control and takes steps to punish the woman for moving on and for daring to speak up for other women, against abuse. He threatens. He tries to manipulate the children. he generates fear in the woman, he implies possible legal action, so much so that she almost stops speaking up. For herself, and for others.

Why can’t he move on? She ponders.

And – Maybe I should stop speaking about women and abuse because, you know, he is  causing trouble. Again.

Let me start with the first question. Why can’t he move on? To understand this one has to understand the mind of those who manipulate and control and abuse.

Step one involves the angry partner refuting the claim of abuse. ‘I wasn’t violent’ is a common refrain. But, as Lundy Bancroft writes in Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men:

“Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.”

Step two reminds the woman of why, exactly, he can’t let go. They, the abusers, see their partners (yes, even ex-partners) and their children (especially their children) a16266029_10212021609395491_5537952951364669240_ns possessions.The abuser become almost crazy at the thought of losing control over the woman – or, if it seems that they have lost control, they become almost crazy at the thought of losing control over their children. (Although, who am I fooling with the ‘almost’. Seriously.). Children become a weapon in the fight against the woman, a fight always couched in terms of ‘justice’ and ‘charity’.

The third step allows the woman to separate the rhetoric from the truth. She comes to see that he never lets go because (in some families) he uses religious language, and the misguided support of some in the church, as a weapon. It is a misuse of such religious language, of course.

An understanding of the initial question (Why can’t he let go?) does not always help with the next question the woman asks. Should she stop speaking up about abuse, since he may use the speaking up in retribution?

The choice is hers, and hers alone. But I am reminded of a history of silencing  people and groups who have suffered, the don’t-rock-the-boat mentality,  and how, in the end, that doesn’t serve to help women like me. Or the woman of this narrative.

To speak up is to raise awareness. To name abuse, for those who are able, for those who are safe (for safety of women and children is of prime importance)  is to give it less power.

And to continue to speak up, even when threatened or when someone tries to silence you, takes courage.

It, the speaking up, is not for everyone. There are concerns for mental and physical health and protection.  But for some (for me) it is both a necessity and a virtue


10 thoughts on “What happens when women speak up.”

  1. Women must “keep sweet” is a phrase that, in different words perhaps, crops up in too many churches and too many Bible Studies on marriage. Only if a woman died to herself to serve the man–and not God, can she be a “good wife.” Mix in no control over fertility, no refusal of sex and no role outside the traditional role at home and you have paradise for an abusive man. So sad that holy ideals are contorted and misused. The same ideas are successfully used in political systems. Even the USSR used Hero Mothers for control during the War. So very sad. What’s sadder still is when women seem out cultish groups like Bill Gothard’s ATI/IBLP and set up the abuse for themselves by “seeing only the good” (so-called good) and trying to ignore the rest. Good post.

    1. Recently a Calvinist friend posted that it is NEVER appropriate that a woman complain about her husband to anyone else. That certainly sounds like the prefect sanctuary for abuse! Her husband is a good one, and their marriage good, but I wonder how may friends in her church suffer in silence?

  2. I am currently suffering under this very weight. I fight this alone and am the only shield for myself and my kids. But I am tired and worn from the fight. I have read this over several times and it consoles me to know that I am not alone. I “bookmarked” it as well so that I can use it as strength when I feel like there is no hope of an end to it all.

    1. Sarah, I am glad the post helped. Ease know there is always hope. I highly recommend the book by Lundy Bancroft that I mention above and another one that he has co-authored titled ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go: which offers hope and practical strategies for a new and better life. Good luck, you are not alone!

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