I play the technology run around a lot. But not the rejection one!
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.
We are told a lot of stuff growing up. Little messages that stick in our brain; haunt us, almost surreptiously, at odd moments.
Like Beth ( or was it Janine?) in the movie, whose husband cheats on her and who automatically thinks it is her fault he cheated, that if she had been more loving/fun/whatever then he wouldn’t have cheated, never mind that he was a first class jerk…well, like Beth (or Janine) I was programmed to think that, when things go awry, it is my fault. Programmed for automatic blame and apology.
I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. … You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.
I do a lot of stupid shit. (Excuse the language but it is just so descriptive. Or, perhaps, that is the wine talking?Anyway…) I over think, over analyze, over dissect. But at least I do care. I try. I move on.
That striving has to make a difference.
We can only learn to know ourselves and do what we can / namely, surrender our will and fulfill God’s will in us. St Teresa of Avila. My current reading.
St Teresa of Avila. The Way of Perfection. He’s Just Not That Into You. Family time.
And another quote. From The Survivor’s Guide to Homeschooling.
My time is something I can give my children now in a way that I won’t be able to give them later. It is time that I can be with them….I WILL NEVER HAVE THIS TIME AGAIN. MANY THINGS CAN WAIT BUT KIDS GROW UP.
Many of mine are grown. But the family time, the movies and texts, they are important.
All part of that striving. Part of my vocation as wife, mother, teacher. Part of my dissecting. Part of who I am.