Now, it is not a nice thing to admit – that feeling of envy.
Yet, that is where I was at, yesterday.
Friends told me they were expecting another child. One said they had decided to try for another child ~ and, it happened~! Another said it was unexepected and she felt unhappy but knew she would come to grips with a new baby.
I rejoiced for these friends, I offered support for the one struggling to accept her pregnancy.
But I also felt a pang of envy.
I have longed for another child. It looks like it just ain’t gonna be. I’m kinda old. :-(. [No, not kinda old ~ definitely old, says the little voice in my head. Sigh!]
I spent my thirties suffering health problems and resultant infertility. And depression. And weight gain.
Then, now in my forties, I have battled the health demons, lost weight, have had several pregnancies – all resulting in miscarriage. In DVTs ( I have a genetic blood clotting disorder). In hospitalization.
I am thankful for the seven healthy children I have. I love my sons, in spite of my failings as a mother! I am also thankful for the many other little souls that I miscarried. I know that God has different plans for different people.
And I am not a spoilsport. I am truly happy for my friends. I know my friend with the “unexpected” pregnancy will come to love this child.
But, yesterday, I still felt that little pang of envy.
Sometimes, I am not a very nice person. Blah.
And now I’m feeling bad about posting. But I think I should go ahead and hit publish anyway. Maybe someone can relate…